Change of tune

Up until relatively recently, if I'd been pressed to answer the question "what do you want, a boy or girl?" and were really honest with my response, I would have had to say that I wanted a girl. I suppose that's just because, well, being a girl, I think I'd have a better idea how to raise one than a boy. I know this is ridiculous, if for no other reason that I haven't the slightest idea how to raise my dog, let alone a child whether it's a girl or a boy. But that's what I thought I wanted, deep down inside.

Recently, though, something started to shift. I can't really remember when I realized I'd changed my tune, but I've been attributing it to an incident a few weeks ago. I had taken Ollie to the dog park by myself. He was tired from the previous day at doggy day care, and not really interested in the other dogs. But, he is ALWAYS afraid of people no matter what. So when a little boy of about seven or eight started approaching him, I called out to him that my dog is fearful of people and he probably shouldn't get too close. Ollie's not aggressive, but you never know when a fearful dog turns into a mean dog. And I've always gotten the sense that kids freak him out. It's like he's thinking, "My god! It's like a person, but... so small!"

The little boy mumbled something in assent and wandered another direction. Which is fine with me. Sometimes kids make me nervous - I don't know why. Maybe for the same reason they make Ollie nervous. But a few minutes later the kid was standing near me, and he said, "What kind of dog is he?" When I responded that he's a yellow lab mix, the boy said, so thoughtfully, "Wow, that's odd! I've never heard of a shy lab before!" I don't know what exactly it was about him, but I just marveled at this little boy's fearlessness. He was so natural and comfortable, and he just felt like talking to me. So he did. And damned if I didn't admire him for it.

That's the thing about little boys. Most of the ones I've met are fearless like that. They go for what they want. And that's just cool.

A few days after the incident at the dogpark, I felt the baby move. And since then, I've been inclined to use "she" and "her". I don't know that it means anything - it just feels right. But I can honestly say that I won't be in the least disappointed if this baby turns out to be a boy; nor will I be if it's a girl. I said it once before, and it's true: all I want is a healthy baby.