Hanging out with a lifelong foe

For my entire life, I've struggled with my weight - the excess of it and the self-image issues that go along with it. Now, I don't want to hear any exclamations of "Oh, stop, you're just fine!" I don't say this as some sort of "Poor, fat ME! Tell me I'm skinny, PLEASE!" I'm simply stating a fact. No matter how lovely a woman I may be, it is absolutely true that am overweight.

But this is not the point. The point is item #483 on the list of Things Nobody Really Tells You About Getting Pregnant: For those of us who have struggled through a lifetime of trying to lose weight, giving up, gaining more weight, not fitting into clothes, failing time and time again... when you get pregnant, you suddenly have to become best friends with your worst enemy.

When I got pregnant in December, I was probably a good 20-30 pounds over my ideal weight. I'm not obese, but losing that amount of weight would put me in a healthy range. Growing a baby human inside puts the brakes on any and all attempts toward, thoughts of, wishes and hopes for weight loss. Nope. Now you have the task of GAINING weight over the next 40 weeks. Oh, god, where do I begin with how contrary this is to everything - and I mean everything - I have considered to be the norm?

Given this perception of "trying to lose weight is what life is all about," it should be no surprise that gaining a huge amount of weight while pregnant is a concern for me. Granted, it's nothing compared to my concern for having a healthy baby - whatever it takes. If I were told to gain 100 pounds for the benefit of my child, you better believe I'd do it. But by most accounts, having a healthy baby in this regard takes a gain of only 25-35 pounds - a bit less if you were overweight when you got pregnant. Which I was.

Aside from all the medical reasons for keeping weight gain within that particular range is the fact that hey, guess what! One day I won't be pregnant anymore. But I'll still have the majority of the weight I gained to lose. And since losing weight has been difficult for me for, oh, say, FOREVER, yeah, I worry about it.

The thing is, I DO need to gain weight. And that is what is so incredibly difficult for me to reconcile. I know that at some point I'm going to have to just let go and let it happen. Not that I haven't already started packing on the pounds; I have (almost 10 at this point). But actually giving in to it is like hanging out with your worst enemy and telling him he smells great even though he really smells like skunk. All I know is that for the next 20 weeks, I'm going to be able to say to myself nearly every time I step on a scale, "This is the most I've ever weighed." Let's see how long it takes me to just get OVER it.