Skunk

Our dog was skunked at midnight a few nights ago. This is conceivably one of the worst things that has ever happened to me, my husband, or my dog. I do not doubt the two cats were also quite miserable. The Weeble, well-protected in its stench-blocking placenta, most likely noticed nothing. Lucky little bastard.

If you've never been through the particular delights of a skunk spraying, let me assure you, it is NOT like driving by a roadkill skunk. Not one little bit. Fresh skunk stink is something altogether more heinous than anything you could ever imagine. Why we're not using this stuff as a means to get terrorists to talk is beyond me, because I'd do just about anything to get away from the smell.

Thanks to a thorough rinsing, a (cold and useless) tomato juice rinse, a regular shampoo bath, and then a hydrogen/dish detergent/baking soda bath and another thorough rinsing (all this in the hour following the spraying - there have been countless baths since then), Ollie-pup is tolerable. The house is livable. This is about as much as I care to discuss, however.

Should you, few, rare readers, ever find yourself in this predicament, a few words of advice (TAKE IT and your life will be happier for it):

1. If it can be helped, do NOT bring the dog indoors to be cleaned. This would be very bad.

2. If it cannot be helped, do NOT allow him to walk on carpet, rugs, or anything that is not readily washed. This would be very bad.

3. Under no circumstances should you touch (or even look in the direction of) the dog without nuclear-grade protective gloves. If you ignore this advice, and you touch your dog, you WILL stink like skunk for weeks - maybe longer. This would be very bad.

4. Don't bother with tomato juice. It does nothing but make your dog smell like tomatoes, but only as long as it's actually on the dog. Then he just smells like faintly tomato-y skunk misery. This is very bad.

5. Use a mixture of baking soda, dish detergent, and hydrogen peroxide. If you are smart, you will have these items already available so you don't have to run out to the convenience store at 12:45 a.m. in order to acquire them.

And god help you.