Back to Work - The First Month

It's been a month since I returned to work. Clearly, I haven't had a lot of time to write about it. I haven't had much time for anything but work (when I'm at work) and being with my kid (when I'm not). When I was pregnant, evenings after work could be spent posting my mother-to-be musings with no distractions. Then during maternity leave, I could post whenever I found a spare moment during a rare nap or what I have come to call "Daddy Time."

Now, though, the most important thing I can do with the precious little free time I have is be with Fiona. Not to mention try to do my part to keep this household running (I am largely failing at this one. But who needs clean floors anyway?). No offense to the fine people who have been keeping up with my life by reading this blog, but Fiona's really, REALLY cute and it's hard to stay away from her.

Anyway, so I'm back to work these days. In all honesty, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The first morning I left her was admittedly awful. I managed to hold back the tears until I was out of the driveway, but then was a disaster for the next 30 minutes with only a Dunkin' Donuts coffee to ease my pain. But once I got to work and back with the people I used to spend most of my time with, I was remarkably... fine. I missed Fiona terribly to be sure. But it was actually rather nice to be back in the adult world. At work, away from baby, I can have some semblance of free will. I can eat when I am hungry or during typical meal hours instead of when I just happen to have a spare 30 seconds to wolf down a granola bar. I can go to the bathroom when the urge strikes, and I don't even have to figure out where to set down the baby - who may or may not pitch a massive fit. And I can use my brains for things other than trying to remember what time it was when I last changed the baby's diaper, or when I last fed her, or how many hours she slept last night.

Of course, there's plenty I'm missing while I'm gone. But I'm starting to come around to the idea that it's really OK. I'm in no way alone in this. Lots and lots and LOTS of mothers have to leave their babies, and I'd be willing to bet the majority of them have a hard time with it. And I am fortunate to have a job I really like that is challenging and fun with co-workers I enjoy spending time with at a company that has been good to me for the past 3+ years. And Fiona is being very well taken care of in my absence by someone who loves her dearly, which is great for her. This separation thing could be a lot worse.

As a result, however, I'm even more of a homebody than ever. I've always been the type to really enjoy my time at home, due in great part to a very long commute that allows relatively few waking hours there during the workweek. So while I used to be somewhat possessive of my time at home - not keen on long phone conversations with friends or frequent weeknight forays out on the town - I'm even more so now, because my time at home means time with Fiona and M. Which means I'm a little (a lot) out of touch with anything outside the four walls of home. But for the time being, that's the way it has to be. Fiona's changing so fast these days I can barely keep up. More than that, though, I'd really rather be hanging out with her for the most part. She smiles and laughs and talks (baby babble, yes, but she's quite expressive!) all the time, and is super entertaining. And being that our little family is still so shiny and new at this point, it makes sense to really enjoy it now as much as I can. So while I must go to work in order to make ends meet and do my part to keep a roof over our heads and all of us fed, it could be worse. Of course, it is a bummer to not get to see this face every minute of every day.